It appears I have become rather dependent on my hubby. Not financially, since I do the finances :) but emotionally. I find it really hard to let him out of my sight, which is rather odd for us, since we've always liked to do things independently of one another sometimes. We enjoy our family time, but our apart time is just as important to us developing as people.
So, since Poppy passed away, I guess it's only natural that we would want some more family time, which has been great. We've been living in one another's pockets. But over the last week, I know G needs to get out with some other people. But every time I think about him going out, it brings all of the pain and fear back 3 fold and I'm sobbing and hyperventilating. Then the poor bloke feels so guilty, he stays home, and I feel so guilty I'm making him stay that I am even more upset. And then round we go again.
We've started seeing a counsellor at SIDS and kids, and she's great. I spoke to her about this 'dependence' thing, and she suggested that many people regress to an almost childlike state to deal with their grief. Maybe that's the case...I don't know. It's more that I feel as though when G is there, when I have a panic attack, or find myself sitting in Poppy's room crying my heart out, he's there to pick up the pieces and hold me and comfort me. If he's not there, maybe I will just break. At some point, I might lose the ability to keep my grip on reality and just be absorbed by my grief. So I cling to him and let him look after me, which is so unfair, when he doesn't seem to do that to me.
G and I have always been equals. We approach our lives in this way. We both work, we share the household responsibilities and we share parenting. I've never been the one who needs looking after, indeed I abhor needing to be looked after. So this is all new to me. I feel like I'm trying to find my feet as a whole new person. Well not whole, since I don't really feel whole. Actually I feel like I have a big hole in my middle, a hole which threatens to overtake the parts of me which remain, and I feel like I'm always fighting to hold back the gaping chasm. Using G as my shield.
The counsellor asked my why was it so bad that I was being looked after. And I guess essentially it's because it's just another thing I'm trying to get my head around. I never viewed grief as something that could change me so completely. Maybe I should chronicle my life as Before Poppy's Birth and afterwards. Maybe I need to stop expecting life to 'get back to normal'. Maybe I just need to accept a new, more painful, normal. But for now, dependence is my normal. I'll see where my normal lies next week...