Thursday, 27 September 2012

Filling the void

You know that big hole in my chest I sometimes talk about?  I realised that I don't feel it so keenly anymore.  It's still there, still a big part of me, but I've begun to find ways to...fill it?  Live around it?  I'm not sure how to describe the feeling of knowing it's there but not acknowledging it all the time.  I guess I can control the feeling better than I could a while ago.

I've filled it with many things.  My beautiful Xav, and making memories with him, learning more about what he's thinking and feeling.  Work fills time, and it takes energy.  Trying to make time to spend with G.  Birthdays.  Anniversaries.  My family.  Cake decorating.

But really what I yearn for is another baby.  Not to replace Poppy, but to fulfil this need I have to have more living children than angel ones.  But that is a long process, and may take some time to achieve.  How do I manage in the mean time?  This has plagued me for awhile, ever since I decided that I wasn't quite ready to embark on the trying to conceive journey just yet.  I desperately want another baby, but I'm not ready for the rest of it yet.  The months of attempts, which should be fun, take all the intimacy out of it.  Timing things to fit in with cycles, injections, what I ate today, what G washed his jocks in, phases of the moon, and possibly applying some sort of herbal mix in my bellybutton and under G's left armpit, take all the spontaneity out of things.  Since I can't even seem to remember what I'm doing between standing up from my chair and taking the next step, I figured I wasn't quite ready for the schedule of trying again.  Not to mention the stressful pregnancy, and the barrage of testing I will need once I am finally up the duff.  Anyway, I digress.  How was I to cope with needing the baby but not yet ready?

Hamish.  My sweet little nephew Hamish, who should be growing up with my Poppy, has been an endless source of joy for me.  My amazing sister who lets me completely over mother him, and live outrageously vicariously through him.  He's an absolute sweetheart and despite enormous difficulties in his own little life, he is a ray of sunshine for all of us.  So I guess through Hamish I get a lot of the baby stuff.  I change nappies.  I shower him in cuddles and kisses.  I watched dotingly as he cut his first teeth, tried his first foods, crawled for the first time.  I even looked after him for a whole weekend, and Xav and G and I got to pretend for a little while.  It was nice, and it strengthened my resolve that maybe the time had come to really start to move forward. 

So with a weekend with a baby under our belts, and not major accidents, illnesses or injuries, we thought it was time to give it a go full time.  So I did two things.  I started back on fertility meds, and...we bought a puppy.  Ostensibly, the puppy was for Xav's 6th birthday.  But he is also a piece of puzzle filling the void we feel in Poppy's absence from our lives.  We picked what sort of dog we wanted, I found a breeder who had a litter ready to go, and off we went.

We picked up our new fur baby on a Sunday.  Ironically, I was violently ill the whole way to get him. Pseudo morning sickness maybe?  I was nervous.  I had the 'puppy bag' packed, the paper work ready, I'd set up a space at home for him.  I read every bit of info I could find about helping him settle in. 

We met the lovely breeder in a Macca's car park in Albury.  Not quite the glamour befitting our newest addition, but what can you do?  We presented him to Xav, who reacted with the surprise and excitement we had hoped for, and after some consideration decided to name him Thor.

My first cuddles with Thor involved me rocking him.  Upon realisation that I looked absolutely ridiculous, I reminded myself he was not an actual human baby and rocking was probably not necessary, he snuggled up under my chin and promptly fell asleep.  I have to say, at that point, I was hooked.  This cute little puppy became another fluffy little piece in helping us heal.

Within two days we were all madly in love with Thor, despite the fact we have to get up through the night, clean up messes, shop for puppy things, live without a phone as he's chewed through the cord... We've started some basic training and Xav and I hate leaving him at home when we go out.  Thor cries and snuggles and plays.  All the things we'd probably be doing with Poppy about now. Our little fur baby.

It's nice have a new member of the family.  But more than that, it's nice having something to be happy and excited about.  Nice to share a picture of our new 'baby' and not feel pain.  I am glad he's in our lives.  If we have to have this void, I'm so glad he's here to help us fill it.

Welcome to our family, Thor.  I can't promise a smooth ride, but I can promise endless love and support.  We hope you like it here. 

So, Thor makes 5.  Hopefully we'll make 6, someday soon.

Xav and Thor <3

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