Monday, 10 June 2013

Three little letters...I.V.F.

I guess technically it's three big words, but you get the picture.  Frankly, I'm a bit pissed off that we have reached this step in our journey.  Surely when your baby dies, you don't have to deal with infertility too?  Whoever plans this stuff, really needs to look into that one.

IVF, hey?  When we fell pregnant with Poppy, we were so glad that we didn't have to do IVF.  For many reasons.  One: THE MONEY. Two: The potential heartache if things go wrong and it cost us ALL THAT MONEY. And three: THE DAMN MONEY.  Shit a brick, how do people manage to do more than one round?  But anyway, I'll turn off being a gigantic tight ass for a moment, and get back to business.

When I had my last review with my wonderful Fertility Specialist she agreed to 3 more rounds of injections with timed IC (for those out of the know, that's, um, well, you know...).  We got one real go, since the first cycle we accidentally managed to produce 8 eggs, and since I've no real desire to be Octomum, we had to cancel that cycle.  The second went well, 2 nice juicy follicles, but alas no baby. And the third cycle didn't happen because, well, we ran out of time.  So here we are, poised on path to, gulp, IVF.  And I am truly terrified. 

What if I get pregnant, and we miscarry again?  We waste all that money and then walk the path we have walked so many times?  What if it just doesn't work?  What if? 
I have tried very hard to not consider the 'What if's' but realistically, I'm a 'What if' person.  I plan and schedule, and consider possibilities.  It's what I do.  I'd like to be prepared for all eventualities.  But the 'What if's' are not helping me sleep at night.

First, the money.  Perhaps if you're are a multi millionaire, and do lunch with your Toorak gal pals every Thursday, you might just say, "I won't have the caviar today girls, I've got IVF in the morning." But for a double income, no spare money, us, IVF is a hell of a lot.  We would do anything for another baby, of course.  We will sell the house, take out second jobs, rob a bank, whatever.  Ten grand is a hell of a lot of cash to raise, especially if we have to raise it more than once.  And if we need to do any specialist IVF treatments, we're looking at 15 or 20G. Holy moly. That's a car.

Secondly,  I have a higher risk of miscarrying than most.  I've have 4 previous early losses, plus an ectopic and a still birth.  And I have Poly cystic Ovaries, another risk factor.  So far we're 2 full term pregnancies from 6.  Not great odds.  So what if we are paying for the privilege of losing another one?  Will it hurt more because we may not be able to afford to try again?  I worry about that.

And, last but not least, the intervention.  Getting pregnant by IVF is kind of like having some kind of bizarre time delayed threesome, in which there is no actual nooky.  Just the two of us and a group of scientists who will be making the magic happen.  Still a miracle, but a science driven one.  Which leads me to worry; is it meant to be?  I believe that life cannot be forced.  Even in a petri dish, the spark of life will only happen if it's meant.  But what if it doesn't?  Can I handle that?

For some reason we're meant to walk this path.  For some reason, Poppy was taken from us, so we could learn something else from this next step.  But what?  Why could we not have learnt this from her?  I guess I'm a little bit frustrated because we've run this race before and at the finishing line, they said, "Sorry, false start,". Then they sent us back to the beginning again, except now the starting line is further away and in a swamp with crocodiles and sinking mud reminiscent of The Never Ending Story.

But, we've been through worse.  If I've learn anything from the past 18 months, it's that we are stronger than we thought.  There have been many, many times when I wondered if I could really truly get out of the black hole I was in.  But I always battle back up.  It's not easy, but my little family keep moving forward, pursued at times by a terrible grey cloud of despair.  Realistically we can live though losing some money whilst we chase our dream of our third child.  Maybe our little ray of sunshine, Miss Poppy, will lead us in the right direction.  Out of the storm of our grief, to find our rainbow. 

We've got the GPS ready, sweetheart, lead the way.

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