Monday, 2 September 2013

Just A Phase...

IVF number one was a bust...all went well except for one thing; we didn't get pregnant.  And I was surprisingly upset by that.  Despite my best efforts, I sank into a deep depression.  I've been through worse, I kept telling myself.  What's one little negative?

Unfortunately one little negative has added to the thousands of mounting negatives and become one BIG negative.  I've tried hard over the past 20 months to not sink into the 'Woe is me,' mentality.  People have it worse than us.  Some much worse.  I know this.  I know we are lucky in so many ways.  But a part of me wishes that just once, things would go according to plan.  Something would not be an epic fail.

I held onto my positivity for a surprising large part of our IVF cycle.  For me, any assisted reproductive cycle is divided into three phases.  Phase One begins when I start my medication.  I feel fairly normal, smile at babies, manage my work and home life effectively, have a normal length fuse before blowing my top.  Phase Two usually starts around the time I start the second medication.  At this point I feel a little frazzled, still smile at babies (despite the fact that it hurts I am not yet having another one), begin to feel disorganized and under the pump at work, my housework is erratic, and I have a bit of a short temper.  And then...Phase Three.  Usually this is accompanied by the trio of medications which is the peak of my cycle, and around the time a new embryo is transferred into it's (hopefully) new home for the next 9 months.  Around now I am teary, angry, depressed and plagued with doubt over my ability to do anything right, cry at the sight of babies, kittens, commercials and possibly just because I can't help it, work is a disaster zone, my house looks like a rowdy footy crowd have moved in, and my temper is, well, let's just say it's best to avoid me. Basically I want to throw my useless self under a train.  This phase continues until one of two things happen; I get a positive blood test for pregnancy, or the other normal way a lady finds out she isn't pregnant.  I held onto the hope I was pregnant until 2 days before the end of my cycle.  Phase Three was not my friend.

So, when you are in Phase Three, and you get a negative test result, you don't cope too well.  Already feeling atrocious, you are told that you are, indeed, a failure.  And it feels like it cements everything you have been thinking.  So you sink.  And it's hard to get out again.  No matter how many people tell you otherwise, you blame yourself.  In your head you know it's not your fault, but your heart tells you a different story and it's hard to change the way you feel.

For some reason each failed cycle for me lately has been accompanied by a flurry of pregnancy announcements.  I currently know no fewer than a dozen pregnant ladies.  And it hurts.  Don't take that the wrong way.  I am so happy those beautiful women will get to enjoy the amazing journey of mother hood.  I just wish I could join them.  I wish their growing bump was a not a constant reminder that my growing bump is just because I like cake.

I guess it all comes back to feeling like a failure.  I have failed so many times to get pregnant or stay pregnant.  I have failed in bringing Poppy into this world safely.  I failed in the most terrible way. And I need a not-fail.  I need to feel like I've achieved something amazing.  Like I can do something right. 

So, the time has come, world.  It's our turn to do something great.  It's our turn.  We've bidden our time for years and years and endured heartache and panic and fear.  And we've kept our faith that one day it will be our turn.  We'll, I'm calling it in.  Time to pay up.  Will you PLEASE knock me up? Right now?  No more negatives, ok?  I'm done with that.  I'm sick of spreading my negativity.  I'm sick of feeling negative.  I want me back, and I can't be me whilst on all these hormones.

Fate, God, Buddha, Allah, Mythical Fairies of Great Western Sydney, whoever I need to talk to; The time has come.  Seriously, it would be easier if you just give in now because I can write a mean letter of complaint, make a amazingly effective passively-aggressive phone calls and I'm VERY stubborn.  It'll dog you until I get what I want.

Plus, guess who just entered Phase don't wanna cross me right now.

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