Saturday, 28 December 2013

A blog about not blogging

I haven't blogged for about 3 months, which is the longest I think since I started blogging.  I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear my pearls of wisdom, and have totally noticed I hadn't shared them in a while.  Or perhaps, like me, you've been flat out busy.  And maybe, like me, you've been feeling good.  Better than you have for some time. Perhaps blogging wasn't needed as much as it was. 

I feel a bit like I've betrayed my blog (there, there, bloggy blog, it's OK) since I haven't really felt the need to write for a while.  In the past, writing was a necessity.  I had something to say about my journey.  Somehow blogging helped me find validation, and peace. 

This whole entry is really about why I haven't needed to post, which might seem a little odd.  But let's face it, I'm a little odd.  But we already knew that, didn't we?

Well, I've survived 2013.  There were moments when I wondered if I was going to make it.  I felt weighed down, emotionally, physically, in every way.  My baggage was just too much at times, and I'll be dammed if I could find one of those luggage trolleys they have at the airport. 

Then in October, I made a pledge to be more, do better.  Let the pain go a little.  I forgave myself for not being ready to have another baby.  And I put down my baggage.  I just put it down and walked away.  Possible I've caused a bomb scare at that mythical airport, but I'm sure they're dealing with it.  I took only what I could fit into my pockets. 

For the past 3 months I've been working on me.  Not just selfishly me, but me as a better person.  Me as a better mum, wife, teacher, friend, family member.  I've needed to make peace with the fact that the old me is never coming back.  Like, really.  Never, ever.  I'm changed irrevocably.  But I'm not saddled with this chick who's just a psychotic mess most of the time.  I can make her into someone I want to be.  I can find my compassion, my forgiveness, my happiness.  It's there for the taking, but I have to choose it. 

I can't say I've built her yet, but I'm a work in progress.  Grief is a selfish thing sometimes, and it's so hard to see beyond how you're feeling and how the actions of others impact upon you.  And I don't apologise for my grief.  I earned my time to be wholly focused on my pain.  But I hit a point and I realised I had to face up to not liking who I was becoming.  I can hold my pain in my pocket and still board any plane I choose, without worrying about baggage limits.

2014 doesn't owe me anything.  I'm not owed because I've suffered.  I will find good in whatever happens.  I'd like it to include a new baby, and my gut tells me it will.  But if that's not what pans out, well, I'll find happiness.  I can't stand still anymore.   I can move so much faster now I put down those bags.

So that's why I haven't blogged.  I've been busy getting happier and healthier.  And building me.  Hopefully she'll be a kind and joyous gal. And grateful.  And worthy of the blessings she has.  I look forward to getting to know her.  Without baggage.