Monday, 28 October 2013

Ups and Downs

I haven't posted for ages.  Mainly because I wasn't sure what to write.  The last little while has been an emotional roller coaster, and I wish I could say I coped well.  Alas, no, I didn't.  I was the one with vomit in my hair, a stunned expression and that oh-so-lovely snotty, cry-y face.

Last I blogged I was in the throws of another round of IVF.  I'm not sure how much you know about the mechanics of pregnancy, but timing wise, I got symptoms VERY early.  By the day of my blood test, an IVF day-of-doom type scenario, I felt like I was permanently on the ocean liner to a rainbow baby.  "You're pregnant!" says the lovely nurse who rang me with my results.  "I thought so..." I uttered, and she proceeded to tell me my HCG (Magic pregnancy hormone number) was 788.  Which is very high even for twins at that stage.  3 days later my numbers are over 4000 and we figure we're well on the way to a full term pregnancy. We told a couple of people.  Things were good for a few weeks.

Then, crash.  I wake up in the middle of the night.  I stand up.  "Oh, shit.  Please don't let that be what I think it is..." Off we go to The Women's...nothing left.  I miscarried. Again. (This might be the part where I vomit in my hair on the roller coaster.)  The next day I go to see my fertility specialist, who manages to squeeze me in at the slightly dazzling time of 6.15am.  "I'm so sorry.  We think it was just a random chromosomal abnormality. Just bad luck."  So we're back to bad luck again. Great.

So, the first week of the school holidays was not quite the blissful family time I had imagined.  Plus I got the flu, just to really make sure it was crappy.  We went on holiday to the beach.  It rained, hailed, was freezing cold.  By one week post miscarriage, I was at rock bottom again.  I decided I can't walk this path anymore.  I can't continue to be a terrible, angry, frustrated mother and wife whilst trying to fill a gap in our family that can't be filled.  We were done with this.  We had finished our family.  And I failed to bring the last piece home.  And I am still failing.

So I did what any sane person does when she's feeling horrid.  I went to see a psychic.  And she said some stuff (which I won't share here, I'd hate to ruin the surprise) and I felt...hopeful.  I realised that I still hadn't managed to believe that we might have another baby.  But I need to focus on being ready for it, instead of rebounding off bad luck.  I owe my family my best, every day.  I owe those here in my house and those in heaven.  And I haven't been giving it, because I wasn't sure I had it in me. I'm better than the person I am.  I can do more.

Today I went for my review with my fertility specialist and I finally said what I've needed to say for some time.  I'm not ready for pregnancy.  I want it badly, but I'm not ready physically or emotionally.  I need to love being pregnant, despite the anxiety. I need to feel good about myself.  I need to be healthier.  I couldn't WANT it more, but I can BE more.

New plan of attack; exercise.  Get out more.  And just ride out 2013.  Start 2014 in a better frame of mind.  Start IVF not waiting to fail.  I am determined.  I won't give up.  Not until I am holding a precious, living baby in my arms.  As a very wise lady said to me recently,  "Tragedy would be giving up now, after all you've been through.  Tragedy would be not getting the prize after the heartache." 

Dr Kate, I promise I won't lose hope again.  Hope is one thing no one can take away, we have to consciously give it up.  I almost let go. It won't happen again.

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